life sucks like bigBIG tym .

I've got everything an ordinary teenage girl needs & yet i somehow feel fucked-up !
I've got awesome family, friends & wonderful boyfriend.
& yet i feel something is missing is my life.


anw, i've been feeling very fucked up recently .
but dont ask me why , cux i myself dont know the reason .
My emotions are practically consuming my soul .
Im like at a dead-end with mist and fog ahead .

I've tried very hard , put in all my effort , gave and sacrificed all i could
but what i got at the end of the day are only SADNESS ,PAIN , HURT & LONELINESS .
Im suffering alone.

It was only what she said that felt like a slap across my face , it was also how she said it .
Every word was like thousands of needles piercing through my flesh, leaving no scar but it hurts like hell . All that I beleived ,trusted and lived by in the previous 17 years seems to turn upside down , inside out ; a total disaster .My world is crashing down . I have mixed emotions . Confusions are clouding my mind . Sadness , Pain and Hurt is overwhelming me .

A part of me knew that this was all along the truth and i chose to believe in hope that maybe with my perseverance, faith and effort .
I could make a difference.
Another part of me is in total denial of accepting the fact that there is NO FANTASY !
I wanted to hide all this but every statement of hers , had hit the bull's eye .
I deserve every bit of it & my heart is bleeding profusely.
I did not dare seek understanding from anyone because that would be slapping myself in the face .
Therefore i stood and am still standing all by myself and it weighed like mountains on my petite frame . I feel like dying every day of my waking life.

To put thinkgs bluntly , I climbed out of the grave and stubbornly continued to walk in circles in the cemetry when i should leave . I knew that I would fall back into the grave agin but i hoped things would change in life. But eventually I just dropped back in the grave again !

My drive, motivation, will , energy and moral are all dropping drastically .It is beyond a will to neither end my life nor live it . I realised I was a living dead when night falls & when im being left alone all by myself in the room . With nothing-ness. but who cares, i dont mind if i have nothing . I wuld have nothing to lose than .
Nothing to be upset about..
Nothing to cry about ...
Nothing to hurt ..
Nothing to loose ...

The Sabrina that everyonen knew was a lady with a smile on her face everytym . joking and playing around. Thus, i dint want them to see how cowardly im trying to numb myself by embedding a cloak of happiness . You might as well call me good for nothing.
No confidence .
No motivation.
No drive.
No spirit.
No energy .
No life.

No nothing.

I once had an ambition , a goal and a purpose in life , but now it seemed buried somewhere in the corner of my mind .

Im tired yet i cant stop to keep myself awake..
Im panting yet i cant hear myself breatheing ..
I am motionless ; yet im falling ..
INTO DARKNESS OF ABYSS .

FUCK, IM NOT IN THE MOOD TO BLOG MORE.

Anw, tomorrow is mummy's birthday !

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY !
I LLOVE YOU SOO MUCH !
AND THANKS FOR EVERYTHING :)

BYE !